Good Lord I had a fright this weekend. I was dining at a restaurant in a small Texas town and was presented with a bouquet of portion cups full of two substances that are foreign to me in my adult life: Country Crock and Koffee Buddy.

When I was a child my mother was not much of an adventurous cook. A product of the Campbell's Soup Housewife Indoctrination of her era, she cooked a small but reliable arsenal of comfort foods: tuna casserole (with the Ruffles topping, of course), beef stroganoff, enchiladas and tacos (with about as much heat as a candy cane), spaghetti, and a mystery meal that as far as I know is unique to my family, a "hash" made of browned ground beef, diced potatoes, and ketchup cooked at a delicate simmer. One time Dr. Stallworth, our veterinarian, asked my mother, "Are you an adventurous cook, or one of those meat-and-potatoes gals?" Mother indicated that she was a little of both, although even as a child I thought "She's a meat-and-potatoes gal...". Dr. Stallworth gave my mom an opened bottle of Balsamic Vinegar. Growing up in Austin, TX in the 1980's, when Whole Foods was just a little hippie grocery on the edge of downtown, I had never seen these mysterious wrapped bottles before. I don't remember what my mom ever did with the contents, but the bottle sat in my room for years on a shelf of kid's treasures.

Back to my frightful experience at the cafe. The basket of margarine and cream arrives at the table and I politely push it aside, having sworn as an adult that butter would be my butter of choice, in place of the little tubs of Parkay that we had when I was a kid. Besides, I hadn't ordered any coffee because I was drinking beer, not that the two are mutually exclusive. I then noticed something amiss about the other product in the basket, something that I at first mistook for half & half. I was intrigued by the room temperature "cream." It turns out the product is Koffee Buddy, which I assure you is no friend of mine. I would rather exfoliate with sandpaper than hang out with buddies like Koffee Buddy.

I have encountered these fake cream products before--when I was a kid my mother would use Coffee Mate in her coffee. Thankfully she has since seen the light (especially since I work in the coffee business). But Coffee Mate knows it is a fraud. Coffee Mate decorates itself in bright colors to compensate for the fact that it is a non-dairy faker. But Koffee Buddy...Koffee Buddy is a scheister. Koffee Buddy dresses up in the same portion cup that real half & half comes in, at places that care about, you know, flavor. Koffee Buddy does not boldly identify itself as a bullshitter--you have to look closely. I think that's part of Koffee Buddy's nefarious plan, hoping that most people are too weary for not having had coffee yet that they don't even look at the label. By the time they realize "Hey, that cream was awfully light-bodied..." they are already on the road, and Koffee Buddy's evil machinations have triumphed, and the short-cutter of a restaurant operator who purchases such products gives Koffee Buddy a high-five as he stuffs his pockets with ill-gotten lucre. Come to think of it, I wonder if this place actually served Coffee or just Koffee, some kind of brown water coffee substitute made from roasted corn syrup solids. Did you notice that Koffee Buddy has "color added"? It's WHITE. Something has to be really gross if they have to add fake color just to get it to white.