So-- what is it about certain cocktail menus that pisses me off and makes me want to throw something?
I like to go off about the stupid cocktails around town, but maybe it would be a more productive enterprise to analyze an actual menu and discuss in detail why it sucks so much.
This is a menu from The Keg in Dallas. (Posted with love to Morgan, whose great passion in life is crappy cocktail blog photos--sorry dude, couldn't find the scanner cable)
I will start with a menu that I picked up last month at a bar in Dallas. It is not my goal to piss off a bunch of bartenders and bar owners in Austin; I just want to encounter better drinks when I go out. (Note: bartenders and owners who read blogs like this would probably never come under the scrutiny of someone like me, because if they are here then it is probably because they care about what they're doing)
Here are some general rules for lame cocktail menus:
1) Use of tired ingredients and recipes: pomegranate anything is tired, for example. In most circumstances, so are variations on the Cosmo, the Mojito, and anything ending with the suffix "tini."
2) Repetition of unique ingredients (ie, not basic cocktail ingredients like lime juice or triple sec). An example would be several drinks on a menu containing Blue Curacao or pomegranate. This shows a lack of creativity.
3) In general, use of mixes such as "Sweet & Sour"--I hate seeing that on a menu. The exception is mixes that are house-made
4) Naming a drink after a classic cocktail when it is far enough removed from the classic as to be unidentifiable. I would say that if it is more than one ingredient away from the classic, then it should bear its own name, and not the _______ + classic formula that is so common.
5) Airs of pretension, especially when the menu or establishment has nothing to be pretentious about.
As you will see, the above cocktail menu breaks all of the rules and therefore qualifies itself for the supremely lame designation.
Let's start with the "luxury martinis", which at $8.95 better be damn luxurious.
What exactly is a luxury martini? Besides the fact that I prefer to think of the Martini as a specific cocktail and not as a broad category of drinks served up in cocktail glasses, let's talk about what we think of when we think of "luxury"--rare ingredients, labor intensive processes, supple textures, maybe a sense of exclusivity. There is none of that here. The drinks are all vodka-based and quite similar, which makes them boring, really just a canvas for the mixers, which in this case are also lame ("cranberry cocktail" and frozen mix). The so-called French Martini is a Bay Breeze with Chambord. The Blush Martini (even these names are LAME) features mango "Island Originals".
For the uninitiated, Island Originals is a line of frozen drink mixes formerly known as Island Oasis--I find this an odd thing to print on a menu. As far as drink mixes go, Island Originals is better than others in that they use mostly sugar in place of high fructose corn syrup, but it is still weird for a menu to brag about what kind of mix it uses; especially when it is a brand that is not known to most consumers.
Moving on to the "Feature Martinis":
Are we really drinking something with Sierra Mist in it--a "martini" with Sprite? Gross
Two of three drinks in a category have Blue Curacao--this is an ingredient that should be used extremely rarely and two is at least one too many.
The "Summer Cocktails"
This Grapefruit "Julep" has only one ingredient in common with a mint julep--mint. So why is it called a Julep? All of the other ingredients are different. With all of that creativity they should have created a unique name.
There is only one gin drink, but six with vodka; there are none with whiskey or brandy, but three call for pomegranate. This is what we call a lack of variety. A bunch of sweet drinks devoid of subtlety. This is a bar where one orders beer.
I hope that this tutorial will help you to be just as judgmental and hateful when you see a super sucky cocktail menu as I am. If you are having trouble determining suckiness, you can email info at this URL. Particularly egregious examples will be posted in a special feature titled Lame Cocktail Menu Identification Practicum.
Comments (2)
The bar I most often frequent for happy hour, because my friend is a regular there, just revamped their cocktail menu.
Apparently they heard St. Germain is hip and cool. They can't be bothered to track it down, so they have at least three cocktails with elderflower syrup on the menu.
Posted by Stevi Deter | August 13, 2008 10:05 PM
Posted on August 13, 2008 22:05
Where is the bar? Some states don't have St. Germain yet. (Texas didn't get it until April of this year) From what I understand, Elderflower cordial (syrup) is a traditional ingredient served in cocktails in England. Perhaps your happy hour bar is tended by a bunch of Anglophiles?
At least they heard that St. Germain is hip and cool--a good start!
Posted by Tex | August 13, 2008 11:13 PM
Posted on August 13, 2008 23:13