If you have ever fantasized about combining the following words and phrases into a single experience, you are likely to read this post with great delight:

Styrofoam cup
32 ounces
Pina Colada
Drive-thru
Booze shack
Extra Shots

This afternoon we set out on a completely irrational field trip to San Marcos, Austin’s little sister city 30 miles to the south. The conversation in the car between my friend Jose, who was driving, and his partner Quinn, who was at home working, went something like this:

“Oh cool, y’all are going to get daiquiris and then go to the outlet mall, that sounds like fun.”

“No…the outlet mall isn’t going to be open too much longer since it’s Sunday.”

“So you’re just going to San Marcos for daiquiris?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

The Eskimo Hut is an unassuming building at the corner of Aquarena Springs and University Dr, across the street from Texas State University. Don’t let its convenience store aesthetic and Krispy Kreme Donuts display deceive you: This convenience store offers one particular convenience that would almost (well, not really) justify the 30 minute inconvenience of driving there from Austin: frozen cocktails to-go. And from a drive-thru! You pull up along the side of the building, drive over one of those gas station ding-y thingies, and a happy Hut staffer eventually greets you at your car window. You order from a menu of 30-something flavors—from classics like Margaritas to frat party favorites like Bald Navel. You select from three sizes, and the cocktail carhop cheerily disappears into the back room of the convenience store and emerges about five minutes later with your beverage, neatly sealed in a plastic bag for your convenience.

On this particular day we were fortunate enough to find only one car in front of us in the drive-thru. Fortunately for that one car, it was emanating a big cloud of skunky smoke. When it was finally our turn, the Hut boy was slightly taken aback by the enthusiasm with which Jose ordered a Pink Panty Dropper for himself. I conservatively ordered a Pina Colada, and the other Joe ordered a Crimson Tide, which was of course red, but that’s about the only thing we could figure out about it. We all opted for the family-size 32oz cup, though we turned down the “extra shots” offer, knowing that at some point we would have to drive back to Austin. I really love that they ask, “Do y’all want any extra shots?”, even if they’re referring to extra shots of cheap rum that I would generally not partake of were it not for the novelty of the to-go format. Why don’t more people ask me if I want extra shots?

Now concerning the plastic bag: it is actually a means of complying with our Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission, which for obvious reasons has an interest in the purveying of ready-to-drink frozen cocktails from a drive-thru. The bags are imprinted with the following responsibility message: THE STATE OF TEXAS AND THE ESKIMO HUT URGE YOU NOT TO BREAK SEAL ON CONTAINER UNTIL OUT OF MOTOR VEHICLE. THANK YOU. WE APPRECIATE YOUR BUSINESS. ESKIMO HUT.

In other words: DON’T GET BUSTED WITH THIS DRINK IN YOUR CUP HOLDER OR YOU’LL F*CK IT UP FOR THE REST OF US

In Louisiana I once visited a slightly less sophisticated drive-thru daiquiri shack that employed another technology to keep drivers from enjoying their beverages before reaching their destination: a piece of masking tape over the straw hole. As delighted as I am that places like this exist(the Eskimo Hut has locations scattered around Texas, but not in Austin), I find it somewhat amusing to think that at some point legislators actually sat around discussing such matters as plastic bags and masking tape for Mai Tais.

At this point I suppose I should assuage your fears (mom) and certify that we did in fact abide by the bag’s warning. Nothing ruins a pleasant frozen drink field trip like an “open container” violation. We pulled to the side of the road at a low-water crossing and local riverfront hangout and found a nice place to relax and responsibly enjoy our refreshing adult beverages. Walking along the river’s edge, skipping stones across the surface, taking in the vast sky and waning sunlight of a hot summer’s day…it actually carried me back to the (imaginary) bucolic days of my youth, save for the quart-sized pina colada attached to my hand, a fantasy-sized portion of the best college-town well liquor money can buy.

There’s something about the words “Wine-Finer Foods-Cigars” that, when rendered in billboard-sized proportions on the side of a big box retail building with freeway frontage, take on a certain irony that make me pause and think “ Postmodern America…” . And so on a sunshiny Memorial Day we ventured to Spec's, in the South Austin retail paradise known as Sunset Valley. Spec's is a Houston-based chain of liquor/specialty foods stores that has recently opened two locations in Austin, the first of which opened late last year near Highland Mall. With their south location they have really outdone themselves, converting the former Academy store into a booze and food megamart.

The scale of Spec’s is incomparable. It is a SPEC-tacle, you could say, though you probably shouldn’t.
Unfortunately, the selection at Spec’s is not directly proportionate to the square footage of the building. I would say that there is far too much floor space dedicated to crap like Plexiglas (!) wine buckets and those cheap-looking Italianesque ceramics. There are also the requisite over-the-top displays that define the big-box experience: a Jack Daniel’s Saloon, a Grey Goose golf cart, and some kind of scotch-themed sailboat. They don't appear to have done much in the way of de-Academizing the space, and the pseudo Tuscan murals lose their effect when stretched around fifty thousand square feet of retail floorspace.
Aesthetics aside, Spec's has a lot going for it. For one, the prices at Spec's are hard to beat. For a party-in-a-pinch, they have a huge selection of specialty foods and deli items. They also stock a handful of Fair Trade Certified coffees from Katz Coffee (I would avoid the under-roasted non-FTC coffees that comprise the bulk of their selection.)
The beer selection is impressive, though not quite overwhelming. As with the liqour aisles, I was hoping to see a bunch of labels that I had never seen before, but such was not the case. This is not to say that Spec’s is lacking in variety—or to say that I had any problem whatsoever finding something to purchase. On this first trip we spent $180. And fortunately if you come with cash in hand, you are rewarded with a 5% discount.

Nothing speaks of luxury like a cash discount...

Yesterday evening we went on a river cruise hosted by Paula of Paula's Texas Spirits and Janelle of the Femmetastics. Since we don't know Andy Roddick (a real tragedy), Lance Armstrong, or Sandra Whats-her-name, these groovy ladies will have to serve as Austin celebrities for us.

David and Joe on the boat with the REAL PAULA of Paula's Texas Orange

Paula has been producing Paula's Texas Orange (think Cointreau but fresher, brighter, and less expensive) for several years now and last year came out with her Texas Lemon (think Limoncello Lite, with a bright lemony flavor but not the syrupy viscosity--better for mixing). Since we are inspired more by stars of the bottle than of the court, Tour, or screen, Paula is our choice for local hero and friend.

After arriving at the wrong boat dock and delaying the departure of the party cruise, we finally boarded, imbibed, and began shmoozing. The first drink that we ordered from Paul, the other half of Paul and Paula, was called Hot Summer Night. It consisted of vodka, Paula's Texas Lemon, lemon juice and honey muddled with thyme, topped with Sprite. On this particular hot summer night, the drink hit the spot. Created by Mirjana “Mindy” Kucan of Austin, the drink won first prize at a recent cocktail competition in New Orleans (the week before we were there for Tales of the Cocktail), sponsored by Hilton-Doubletree and judged by Tony Abou-Ganim. As the party cruise was ending last night, we had the pleasure of meeting Mindy. My less-than-graceful and perhaps slightly sycophantic introduction sounded something like, "Um, hi, can I meet you?" It turns out we had already met her other half and we all had a great conversation about the not-so-great state of the cocktail in Austin, and what we can do to fix it. Thanks to Paula and Janelle for a great time, and a big shout-out to Mindy and Paula for working to put Austin on the mixology map.

Joe with Mixmaster Mindy at the boat dock

Please excuse this momentary lapse in judgement. On Tuesday night my friend David and I participated in the Wall of Flame 25 hot wing challenge at the Pluckers restaurant near my house. Pluckers is a local chain of chicken-themed sports restaurants. Pluckers is a guilty pleasure to me, to say the least--bordering on a guilty sin, a dirty secret shame.

Toasting the Wall of Flame challenge

In order to achieve the honorable Wall of Flame distinction, you must eat 25 of the hottest wings in one sitting. Dubbed "Fire-in-the-hole," you can only imagine the kind of havoc these wings wreak on your digestive system. Hotter by many degrees than anything on the menu at Hooters, these wings are truly miserable. But when there's a challenge issued, resolve trumps reason.

Doping for the Wall of Flame challenge

To assist us in ingesting this many hot wings, we employed the help of The Mother Plucker. This is the 34-oz draft beer which is a gluttonous portion, but nonetheless a perfect way to kick back on a hot summer night. On this night it was not just a libation but an analgesic.

A Mother Plucker of Fireman's 4 Ale, a welcom ingestif

We opted to order our wings first in increments of ten, then the final five. We took on the challenge on a Tuesday night because that is when the wings are only $.50/ea. (It may surprise some readers that participants who succeed in this challenge still have to pay for their wings--in more ways than one. There is no free dessert, no t-shirt or koozie. Just a Polaroid picture on the wall, and a day of g-i distress.)

Getting pinned at Pluckers

Though it was an absolutely disgusting experience, I am still glad that I did it, however I suppose I will never know what prompted me to channel this inner frat boy. Whatever it is, I'm glad its gone, that my inner Brett is safely stored away--that is, perhaps, until the next gastronomical idiocy challenge.

Has anyone ever wondered why the drink options are so sucky at all the festivals? In Austin it seems like there are a dozen festivals every month, and the abundance of festivals coincides with a directly proportional sucky festival drink selection.
Here is a micro-sample snapshot of recent festival drinks in Austin:
Last weekend there was the Austin Ice Cream Festival. Drink options consisted of Bud Light, Budweiser, Shiner Bock (in a can, warm in our case) or some frozen dacquiris of the bottled mix/cheap well rum (or maybe even wine, not sure) variety. $4 for a warm can of Shiner, and that was the best offering.
This past weekend we had the Red Bull Flugtag on Saturday, where people make up some flimsy flying contraption and run it off a ramp into the lake. Though I was initially very excited about this, it was one of the most hateful events I can remember in my long a critical history of Austin festivals. Too many f*cking people, where they came from I can't even imagine. After advertising heavily for this event, the turnout was so great that they were turning people away at the gate. The gate was part of the problem--the only reason why they needed to have a gate around a very spacious public park was so that they could profit off of beer sales, and so our draconian Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission could have its way regarding venue boundaries. After being turned away at the gate, a few determined festivalgoers decided to bound over the fence. A more determined Robin Hood of festival equality decided to tear down the fence altogether, and the crowd flooded in. At the beer tent, about 15 minutes after the event started, they announced that their awesome selection (of Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light, and Lone Star) had already been depleted: All that would be available was 12 oz. cans of Lone Star, for $4. For readers outside the Lone Star distribution area, it is the "National Beer of Texas", which is only slightly more flavorful than the bigger national beers (which is to say not flavorful at all) and sells for $7.99/12 pack or thereabouts. For as much as I detest it, there was not even a Vodka Red Bull available at the Red Bull event.
What happened to Austin as the City of Ideas? What about Austin as one-of-the-best-cities-in-the-country-to-live-in? What about the Austin that cared about supporting local independent businesses and their products? Here's an idea--how about a good drink at one of our countless festivals? How about better-cocktails-for-better-living? Why hasn't City Council acted on this? (Probably because they only respond to the developers, but that is another story...maybe if we concerned cocktailians created a Better Beverage Bureau we could get somewhere.) Kidding aside, it is silly that with all the great local breweries in this area we have to put up with Anheuser Busch crap at every event we go to, with only a few exceptions (Eeyore's Birthday being a notable one, where the locals dominate.)

Just when I thought I could finally say goodbye to the holiday season, I received a phone call last Friday from one of the owners of Real Ale Brewing. On Sunday, it turns out, they were having a small celebration of beer and smoked meat, a holiday party of sorts situated in the middle of January so as not to conflict with anyone else's holiday party. We drove out to Blanco, pecan tart in hand, and arrived just in time to grab a pint of beer before the meat cutting began. It should go without saying that when a group of professional brewers have a party, there is going to be a considerable amount of beer (the brewers at Real Ale are a very generous lot-I attended their annual anniversary party last summer and was pleasantly surprised to learn that each party attendee received free tickets for four glasses of beer and a plate of food.) What I was not prepared for, however, was the incredible variety of beers. I tasted everything from Real Ale's current tap selections to variations on some of their popular beers; a slew of vintage Barleywines including some aged Real Ale Sisyphus; home-brews by employees of the brewery, as well as homebrews that fans of the brewery had dropped off over the year; fabulous, fantasy beers that the brewers had picked up on travels to far-off brewing destinations; and most significantly a brew from Austin's fabled Bitter End brewery that has been closed for a number of years.

The area around Blanco is still somewhat undeveloped. It looks a lot like the outskirts of Austin looked when I was a kid. A beautiful place to drink beer.

It was awesome being in the presence of so many of Texas's brewing talents, being able to talk about beer with the people who have been making some of my favorite brews of the last ten years.
When we first arrived we drank a few pints of beers from the half dozen or so kegs that they had tapped, a mix of their standard brews and the current and upcoming seasonal beers. My clear favorite in this category was the Phoenix ESB, which will be on tap around Austin soon. I also got to try an unusual variation on Real Ale's runaway hit, the Fireman's #4 Blonde Ale. This one was a cask conditioned version, brewed w/ Summit hops. I don't know enough about hops to know why this makes a difference, but it did. Whereas I usually don't prefer the Fireman's over the other Real Ale brews that I think are more interesting, this one had a big hoppy flavor and also had a unique mouth feel since it was an unfiltered beer.

Why is Joe's glass empty? It's not like there was a shortage of beer. Oh yeah...he had to drive us back!

One of the brewers "led" (in as much as one can lead a group such as this) a tasting of Barleywines, the so-called "pallet-bruisers" of the evening:
2002 Real Ale Sisyphus
2004 Real Ale Sisyphus
2002 Sierra Nevada Bigfoot--I didn't think this one was nearly as good as the Sisyphus of the same vintage, but I felt the same way about the same beers of the 2007 vintage. (When I returned to Austin I went to Central Market and bought a half dozen bottles of 2007 Sisyphus, we'll see if they survive long enough to do such a "vintage" tasting.)
In this run we also tasted the 2005 Old Stock Ale from North Coast Brewing in Fort Bragg, CA. They are also the makers of Brother Thelonius which we tasted at another point in the evening.

In the homebrew category, we tasted a Carob Porter and an ale called "Hazel Eyes" made by one of the Real Ale brewers, and some bizarre wormwood beer dropped off at the brewery by a fan.

While the kids toasted marshmallows, I toasted the good life (and got toasted in the process)

The most exciting beer of the night for me was from the Bitter End Brewery, which was an early pioneer in the now-bustling-at-the-seams warehouse district. A few years ago, the place suffered a big fire and was shut down, never to reopen. It was a real tragedy for Austin beer drinkers, and still evokes the occasional eulogy from a sympathetic imbiber. What I did not know about the Bitter End fire is that not all of the beer was lost, that the brew crew rescued a handful of kegs from the smoldering remains of their building. When I found out last year that former Bitter End brewer Brian Peters had become the brewer at Uncle Billy's on Barton Springs, I went over quickly to try his new beers. At the time it never crossed my mind that I would have the opportunity to taste an actual Bitter End brew again, though I had heard rumors here and there that there were surviving kegs.

One of the beers they made from time to time was a Scotch ale called Prescot’s Wee Heavy; they also did a version called “Wee Woody,” which was the Wee Heavy, rested in a retired Jack Daniel's barrel. As it happens, a barrel of that beer was rescued from the fire by Tim Schwartz and Brian Peters, kegged and stashed away. On Sunday I met Ty Phelps, who is the head brewer at North By Northwest, and he had a growler of Wee Woody that he filled a couple of months ago from Peters' keg. Though the beer had lost most of its carbonation, it had not oxidized and had an incredible, subtly vanilla-infused flavor. It was such a trip tasting that beer and reminiscing about the Bitter End, really a once-in-a-lifetime experience for an old tipsy Austinite such as myself.

Though the Bitter End indeed met a bitter end, its memory lives on like the lingering taste of Wee Woody, which I droolishly hoovered up last weekend...

For perhaps the most tasteless of all tipsy fieldtrips, Tipsy and I decided to head down south-WAAAY south-- for Spring Break. It really wasn't spring break, per se, since we are neither of us students and both of us about a decade too old to celebrate in such a fashion. We knew someone who was on South Padre Island working for the week, and he invited us to stay with him for a few days.

The weather was not cooperative for most of our brief stay, and looked something like this:

The kitchen and bar of this condo were unimaginably unstocked. We brought things like squeezers and muddlers and strainers, but it didn't occur to us that the condo would be lacking in basics like...glasses. Not to be deterred, I found this measuring beaker to make for a perfect highball-in-a-pinch. (Please note that the dolphin statuette was an amenity of the condo, and not a souvenir I purchased.)

I had never really given drag much consideration until I saw how incredibly foxy and Baywatchy I look as a female.

You will be glad to know that your taxpayer dollars were well represented at many points accross the Spring Break celebration area, which is the Radisson "host hotel." Unfortunately the Radisson property owner is some kind of party pooper and would not allow the Trojan condom company to sponsor a booth. However, she doesn't have a problem with exploitation of our youth by the military industrial complex, and so as a result the US Army seemingly took the beach at SPI for this one week. Army paraphernalia was everywere, but in the spirit of outsourcing(and probably because anyone who can hold a weapon is already deployed), many of the employees working the Army booths were not soldiers themselves, but subcontractors. Essentially, the military equivalent of Red Bull Girls--handing out koozies and t-shirts and flashlights, with a few uniformed recruiters nearby in case the swag convinced someone to actually sign up. (For the record I have utmost respect for the men and women of the armed services. I do not however respect the decision makers who recklessly put these people in harm's way; nor do I care for the way they use rock-concert marketing tactics to convince the young to make "the ultimate sacrifice.")
Back to the beach:
If you are a hot chick, or better yet, TWO hot chicks, the poonhound mechanical bull operator will give you a long gentle ride, dipping the bull strategically as it turns to face him. (One rider experienced a "wardrobe malfunction" and was allowed to continue riding for what seemed to me like an impossibly long time. Meanwhile the bull operator, who was wearing both hat and sunglasses to obfuscate the direction of his gaze, pulled his shades down a tad for clearer viewing)

If, however, you are a beefy dude, you will get a spin or two before being expeditiously bucked off the bull.

I think the Coors Girls are a perfect example of why people come to SPI. Every few hours they announce the Coors Girls like they are the headlining act, then the girls come out and throw out a bunch of cheap Chinese crap emblazoned with the Coors logo.

The Beefy and the Beast: Nobody could quite figure out the hirsute fellow on the right. In his trucker cap, mustache, aviator shades and shiny black Speedo, he was quite a sight among all of the scantily clad students.

Bear Sighting on SPI! Big Poppa looked like he would fit in at a Bear round-up, but he was quite popular with the ladies, if only for the same reason that Leslie is popular with frat boys. The girls would freak Big Poppa while their friends took pictures for Facebook, then they would make an "Ew" face and run off.

Last Sunday afternoon we went to Uncle Billy’s on Barton Springs Rd. for their 1st anniversary party. Due to construction behind the brewery, we parked in their temporary lot down the road where they offer a convenient shuttle. Being driven by around Barton Springs Rd. by the hot valet type shuttle dude, I couldn’t help feeling as if I was somehow on an exotic tropical vacation in my own town. There were quite a few people at the party and there was a live band on the patio. In celebration of their anniversary, Uncle Billy’s was offering half-price appetizers and $3 pints of their house-brewed beers, crafted by Brian Peters. The featured beer on tap right now is an Agave Wit, which is a refreshing summer pour.

Oddly the celebration price of $3/pint is $1 more than the “pint night” price that they offer all day long every Tuesday.

We ordered several pints of beer and because of an unhealthy relationship that I have with chicken wings—I cannot, for the most part, abstain from ordering them—we ordered the Buffalo and BBQ wings, as well as a bowl of chips & queso with chopped brisket. The beer will always be the star for me at Uncle Billy’s, though the chicken wings were pretty good. I did have not such a problem with the queso, though Tipsy was certain that it didn’t taste like cheese at all (our waitress opined that the ‘famous’ macaroni & cheese wasn’t very good, perhaps they have a problem with cheese dishes?). I did not order BBQ at Uncle Billy’s because the first time we ate there it was pretty much the pits, and I don’t mean the kind where you smoke meats. I have thought about giving the menu another chance, but have heard mixed reviews about the place. One thing I will say in their favor (besides that the beer rocks) is that they must be listening to customer opinion, because they now offer both BBQ plates and sandwiches, whereas when we went at first it was all family style, which struck me as very odd at the time.

A few weeks ago we went out to Real Ale Brewing Co’s 12th anniversary party. Real Ale is located just outside Blanco, which is about an hour outside Austin. Needless to say they have had a few years of practice at throwing birthday parties. I hope with proper tutelage Uncle Billy’s will learn to throw a Real Ale-like birthday bash. Upon arrival, visitors are gifted with 4 beer tickets redeemable for free pints, as well as a food ticket good for a plate of BBQ. Brewery tours started periodically throughout the day. After the party, we drove into Blanco and jumped in the river at the Blanco River State Park. The river was the approximate temperature of spit but it was refreshing nonetheless.

To summarize, here is a statistical comparison of Real Ale party v. that at Uncle Billy’s:
(4) Free pints of fresh Real Ale v. $3 pints of Uncle Billy’s
(1) Free plate of BBQ v. Half-price appetizers (possibly fake queso acc. to Tipsy)
1-hour Hill Country drive v. free shuttle driven by hot valet
Brewery tour v. no brewery tour
iPod v. live music
Spitty Blanco River v. Crisp, cool Barton Springs

A careful evaluation of these two birthday bashes reveals that there are benefits and drawbacks to each event. Both of course offer great beer, with Real Ale being my favorite of the two. Where Real Ale offers value and scenery, Uncle Billy’s delivers convenience and hot valets. My conclusion is that in order to maximize your beer celebration experience, the best option is to attend both parties. And any other beer event you can get your pint glass on.