If you have ever fantasized about combining the following words and phrases into a single experience, you are likely to read this post with great delight:

Styrofoam cup
32 ounces
Pina Colada
Drive-thru
Booze shack
Extra Shots

This afternoon we set out on a completely irrational field trip to San Marcos, Austin’s little sister city 30 miles to the south. The conversation in the car between my friend Jose, who was driving, and his partner Quinn, who was at home working, went something like this:

“Oh cool, y’all are going to get daiquiris and then go to the outlet mall, that sounds like fun.”

“No…the outlet mall isn’t going to be open too much longer since it’s Sunday.”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

On this particular day we were fortunate enough to find only one car in front of us in the drive-thru. Fortunately for that one car, it was emanating a big cloud of skunky smoke. When it was finally our turn, the Hut boy was slightly taken aback by the enthusiasm with which Jose ordered a Pink Panty Dropper for himself. I conservatively ordered a Pina Colada, and the other Joe ordered a Crimson Tide, which was of course red, but that’s about the only thing we could figure out about it. We all opted for the family-size 32oz cup, though we turned down the “extra shots” offer, knowing that at some point we would have to drive back to Austin. I really love that they ask, “Do y’all want any extra shots?”, even if they’re referring to extra shots of cheap rum that I would generally not partake of were it not for the novelty of the to-go format. Why don’t more people ask me if I want extra shots?

Now concerning the plastic bag: it is actually a means of complying with our Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission, which for obvious reasons has an interest in the purveying of ready-to-drink frozen cocktails from a drive-thru. The bags are imprinted with the following responsibility message: THE STATE OF TEXAS AND THE ESKIMO HUT URGE YOU NOT TO BREAK SEAL ON CONTAINER UNTIL OUT OF MOTOR VEHICLE. THANK YOU. WE APPRECIATE YOUR BUSINESS. ESKIMO HUT.

In other words: DON’T GET BUSTED WITH THIS DRINK IN YOUR CUP HOLDER OR YOU’LL F*CK IT UP FOR THE REST OF US

In Louisiana I once visited a slightly less sophisticated drive-thru daiquiri shack that employed another technology to keep drivers from enjoying their beverages before reaching their destination: a piece of masking tape over the straw hole. As delighted as I am that places like this exist(the Eskimo Hut has locations scattered around Texas, but not in Austin), I find it somewhat amusing to think that at some point legislators actually sat around discussing such matters as plastic bags and masking tape for Mai Tais.

At this point I suppose I should assuage your fears (mom) and certify that we did in fact abide by the bag’s warning. Nothing ruins a pleasant frozen drink field trip like an “open container” violation. We pulled to the side of the road at a low-water crossing and local riverfront hangout and found a nice place to relax and responsibly enjoy our refreshing adult beverages. Walking along the river’s edge, skipping stones across the surface, taking in the vast sky and waning sunlight of a hot summer’s day…it actually carried me back to the (imaginary) bucolic days of my youth, save for the quart-sized pina colada attached to my hand, a fantasy-sized portion of the best college-town well liquor money can buy.

There’s something about the words “Wine-Finer Foods-Cigars” that, when rendered in billboard-sized proportions on the side of a big box retail building with freeway frontage, take on a certain irony that make me pause and think “ Postmodern America…” . And so on a sunshiny Memorial Day we ventured to Spec's, in the South Austin retail paradise known as Sunset Valley. Spec's is a Houston-based chain of liquor/specialty foods stores that has recently opened two locations in Austin, the first of which opened late last year near Highland Mall. With their south location they have really outdone themselves, converting the former Academy store into a booze and food megamart.

The scale of Spec’s is incomparable. It is a SPEC-tacle, you could say, though you probably shouldn’t.
Unfortunately, the selection at Spec’s is not directly proportionate to the square footage of the building. I would say that there is far too much floor space dedicated to crap like Plexiglas (!) wine buckets and those cheap-looking Italianesque ceramics. There are also the requisite over-the-top displays that define the big-box experience: a Jack Daniel’s Saloon, a Grey Goose golf cart, and some kind of scotch-themed sailboat. They don't appear to have done much in the way of de-Academizing the space, and the pseudo Tuscan murals lose their effect when stretched around fifty thousand square feet of retail floorspace.
Aesthetics aside, Spec's has a lot going for it. For one, the prices at Spec's are hard to beat. For a party-in-a-pinch, they have a huge selection of specialty foods and deli items. They also stock a handful of Fair Trade Certified coffees from Katz Coffee (I would avoid the under-roasted non-FTC coffees that comprise the bulk of their selection.)
The beer selection is impressive, though not quite overwhelming. As with the liqour aisles, I was hoping to see a bunch of labels that I had never seen before, but such was not the case. This is not to say that Spec’s is lacking in variety—or to say that I had any problem whatsoever finding something to purchase. On this first trip we spent $180. And fortunately if you come with cash in hand, you are rewarded with a 5% discount.

Nothing speaks of luxury like a cash discount...

Yesterday evening we went on a river cruise hosted by Paula of Paula's Texas Spirits and Janelle of the Femmetastics. Since we don't know Andy Roddick (a real tragedy), Lance Armstrong, or Sandra Whats-her-name, these groovy ladies will have to serve as Austin celebrities for us.

David and Joe on the boat with the REAL PAULA of Paula's Texas Orange

Paula has been producing Paula's Texas Orange (think Cointreau but fresher, brighter, and less expensive) for several years now and last year came out with her Texas Lemon (think Limoncello Lite, with a bright lemony flavor but not the syrupy viscosity--better for mixing). Since we are inspired more by stars of the bottle than of the court, Tour, or screen, Paula is our choice for local hero and friend.

After arriving at the wrong boat dock and delaying the departure of the party cruise, we finally boarded, imbibed, and began shmoozing. The first drink that we ordered from Paul, the other half of Paul and Paula, was called Hot Summer Night. It consisted of vodka, Paula's Texas Lemon, lemon juice and honey muddled with thyme, topped with Sprite. On this particular hot summer night, the drink hit the spot. Created by Mirjana “Mindy” Kucan of Austin, the drink won first prize at a recent cocktail competition in New Orleans (the week before we were there for Tales of the Cocktail), sponsored by Hilton-Doubletree and judged by Tony Abou-Ganim. As the party cruise was ending last night, we had the pleasure of meeting Mindy. My less-than-graceful and perhaps slightly sycophantic introduction sounded something like, "Um, hi, can I meet you?" It turns out we had already met her other half and we all had a great conversation about the not-so-great state of the cocktail in Austin, and what we can do to fix it. Thanks to Paula and Janelle for a great time, and a big shout-out to Mindy and Paula for working to put Austin on the mixology map.

Joe with Mixmaster Mindy at the boat dock

Please excuse this momentary lapse in judgement. On Tuesday night my friend David and I participated in the Wall of Flame 25 hot wing challenge at the Pluckers restaurant near my house. Pluckers is a local chain of chicken-themed sports restaurants. Pluckers is a guilty pleasure to me, to say the least--bordering on a guilty sin, a dirty secret shame.

Toasting the Wall of Flame challenge

In order to achieve the honorable Wall of Flame distinction, you must eat 25 of the hottest wings in one sitting. Dubbed "Fire-in-the-hole," you can only imagine the kind of havoc these wings wreak on your digestive system. Hotter by many degrees than anything on the menu at Hooters, these wings are truly miserable. But when there's a challenge issued, resolve trumps reason.

Doping for the Wall of Flame challenge

To assist us in ingesting this many hot wings, we employed the help of The Mother Plucker. This is the 34-oz draft beer which is a gluttonous portion, but nonetheless a perfect way to kick back on a hot summer night. On this night it was not just a libation but an analgesic.

A Mother Plucker of Fireman's 4 Ale, a welcom ingestif

We opted to order our wings first in increments of ten, then the final five. We took on the challenge on a Tuesday night because that is when the wings are only $.50/ea. (It may surprise some readers that participants who succeed in this challenge still have to pay for their wings--in more ways than one. There is no free dessert, no t-shirt or koozie. Just a Polaroid picture on the wall, and a day of g-i distress.)

Getting pinned at Pluckers

Though it was an absolutely disgusting experience, I am still glad that I did it, however I suppose I will never know what prompted me to channel this inner frat boy. Whatever it is, I'm glad its gone, that my inner Brett is safely stored away--that is, perhaps, until the next gastronomical idiocy challenge.

Has anyone ever wondered why the drink options are so sucky at all the festivals? In Austin it seems like there are a dozen festivals every month, and the abundance of festivals coincides with a directly proportional sucky festival drink selection.
Here is a micro-sample snapshot of recent festival drinks in Austin:
Last weekend there was the Austin Ice Cream Festival. Drink options consisted of Bud Light, Budweiser, Shiner Bock (in a can, warm in our case) or some frozen dacquiris of the bottled mix/cheap well rum (or maybe even wine, not sure) variety. $4 for a warm can of Shiner, and that was the best offering.
This past weekend we had the Red Bull Flugtag on Saturday, where people make up some flimsy flying contraption and run it off a ramp into the lake. Though I was initially very excited about this, it was one of the most hateful events I can remember in my long a critical history of Austin festivals. Too many f*cking people, where they came from I can't even imagine. After advertising heavily for this event, the turnout was so great that they were turning people away at the gate. The gate was part of the problem--the only reason why they needed to have a gate around a very spacious public park was so that they could profit off of beer sales, and so our draconian Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission could have its way regarding venue boundaries. After being turned away at the gate, a few determined festivalgoers decided to bound over the fence. A more determined Robin Hood of festival equality decided to tear down the fence altogether, and the crowd flooded in. At the beer tent, about 15 minutes after the event started, they announced that their awesome selection (of Bud, Bud Light, Coors Light, and Lone Star) had already been depleted: All that would be available was 12 oz. cans of Lone Star, for $4. For readers outside the Lone Star distribution area, it is the "National Beer of Texas", which is only slightly more flavorful than the bigger national beers (which is to say not flavorful at all) and sells for $7.99/12 pack or thereabouts. For as much as I detest it, there was not even a Vodka Red Bull available at the Red Bull event.
What happened to Austin as the City of Ideas? What about Austin as one-of-the-best-cities-in-the-country-to-live-in? What about the Austin that cared about supporting local independent businesses and their products? Here's an idea--how about a good drink at one of our countless festivals? How about better-cocktails-for-better-living? Why hasn't City Council acted on this? (Probably because they only respond to the developers, but that is another story...maybe if we concerned cocktailians created a Better Beverage Bureau we could get somewhere.) Kidding aside, it is silly that with all the great local breweries in this area we have to put up with Anheuser Busch crap at every event we go to, with only a few exceptions (Eeyore's Birthday being a notable one, where the locals dominate.)

Just when I thought I could finally say goodbye to the holiday season, I received a phone call last Friday from one of the owners of Real Ale Brewing. On Sunday, it turns out, they were having a small celebration of beer and smoked meat, a holiday party of sorts situated in the middle of January so as not to conflict with anyone else's holiday party. We drove out to Blanco, pecan tart in hand, and arrived just in time to grab a pint of beer before the meat cutting began. It should go without saying that when a group of professional brewers have a party, there is going to be a considerable amount of beer (the brewers at Real Ale are a very generous lot-I attended their annual anniversary party last summer and was pleasantly surprised to learn that each party attendee received free tickets for four glasses of beer and a plate of food.) What I was not prepared for, however, was the incredible variety of beers. I tasted everything from Real Ale's current tap selections to variations on some of their popular beers; a slew of vintage Barleywines including some aged Real Ale Sisyphus; home-brews by employees of the brewery, as well as homebrews that fans of the brewery had dropped off over the year; fabulous, fantasy beers that the brewers had picked up on travels to far-off brewing destinations; and most significantly a brew from Austin's fabled Bitter End brewery that has been closed for a number of years.

The area around Blanco is still somewhat undeveloped. It looks a lot like the outskirts of Austin looked when I was a kid. A beautiful place to drink beer.

It was awesome being in the presence of so many of Texas's brewing talents, being able to talk about beer with the people who have been making some of my favorite brews of the last ten years.
When we first arrived we drank a few pints of beers from the half dozen or so kegs that they had tapped, a mix of their standard brews and the current and upcoming seasonal beers. My clear favorite in this category was the Phoenix ESB, which will be on tap around Austin soon. I also got to try an unusual variation on Real Ale's runaway hit, the Fireman's #4 Blonde Ale. This one was a cask conditioned version, brewed w/ Summit hops. I don't know enough about hops to know why this makes a difference, but it did. Whereas I usually don't prefer the Fireman's over the other Real Ale brews that I think are more interesting, this one had a big hoppy flavor and also had a unique mouth feel since it was an unfiltered beer.

Why is Joe's glass empty? It's not like there was a shortage of beer. Oh yeah...he had to drive us back!

One of the brewers "led" (in as much as one can lead a group such as this) a tasting of Barleywines, the so-called "pallet-bruisers" of the evening:
2002 Real Ale Sisyphus
2004 Real Ale Sisyphus
2002 Sierra Nevada Bigfoot--I didn't think this one was nearly as good as the Sisyphus of the same vintage, but I felt the same way about the same beers of the 2007 vintage. (When I returned to Austin I went to Central Market and bought a half dozen bottles of 2007 Sisyphus, we'll see if they survive long enough to do such a "vintage" tasting.)
In this run we also tasted the 2005 Old Stock Ale from North Coast Brewing in Fort Bragg, CA. They are also the makers of Brother Thelonius which we tasted at another point in the evening.

In the homebrew category, we tasted a Carob Porter and an ale called "Hazel Eyes" made by one of the Real Ale brewers, and some bizarre wormwood beer dropped off at the brewery by a fan.

While the kids toasted marshmallows, I toasted the good life (and got toasted in the process)

The most exciting beer of the night for me was from the Bitter End Brewery, which was an early pioneer in the now-bustling-at-the-seams warehouse district. A few years ago, the place suffered a big fire and was shut down, never to reopen. It was a real tragedy for Austin beer drinkers, and still evokes the occasional eulogy from a sympathetic imbiber. What I did not know about the Bitter End fire is that not all of the beer was lost, that the brew crew rescued a handful of kegs from the smoldering remains of their building. When I found out last year that former Bitter End brewer Brian Peters had become the brewer at Uncle Billy's on Barton Springs, I went over quickly to try his new beers. At the time it never crossed my mind that I would have the opportunity to taste an actual Bitter End brew again, though I had heard rumors here and there that there were surviving kegs.

One of the beers they made from time to time was a Scotch ale called Prescot’s Wee Heavy; they also did a version called “Wee Woody,” which was the Wee Heavy, rested in a retired Jack Daniel's barrel. As it happens, a barrel of that beer was rescued from the fire by Tim Schwartz and Brian Peters, kegged and stashed away. On Sunday I met Ty Phelps, who is the head brewer at North By Northwest, and he had a growler of Wee Woody that he filled a couple of months ago from Peters' keg. Though the beer had lost most of its carbonation, it had not oxidized and had an incredible, subtly vanilla-infused flavor. It was such a trip tasting that beer and reminiscing about the Bitter End, really a once-in-a-lifetime experience for an old tipsy Austinite such as myself.

Though the Bitter End indeed met a bitter end, its memory lives on like the lingering taste of Wee Woody, which I droolishly hoovered up last weekend...

For perhaps the most tasteless of all tipsy fieldtrips, Tipsy and I decided to head down south-WAAAY south-- for Spring Break. It really wasn't spring break, per se, since we are neither of us students and both of us about a decade too old to celebrate in such a fashion. We knew someone who was on South Padre Island working for the week, and he invited us to stay with him for a few days.

The weather was not cooperative for most of our brief stay, and looked something like this:

The kitchen and bar of this condo were unimaginably unstocked. We brought things like squeezers and muddlers and strainers, but it didn't occur to us that the condo would be lacking in basics like...glasses. Not to be deterred, I found this measuring beaker to make for a perfect highball-in-a-pinch. (Please note that the dolphin statuette was an amenity of the condo, and not a souvenir I purchased.)

I had never really given drag much consideration until I saw how incredibly foxy and Baywatchy I look as a female.

You will be glad to know that your taxpayer dollars were well represented at many points accross the Spring Break celebration area, which is the Radisson "host hotel." Unfortunately the Radisson property owner is some kind of party pooper and would not allow the Trojan condom company to sponsor a booth. However, she doesn't have a problem with exploitation of our youth by the military industrial complex, and so as a result the US Army seemingly took the beach at SPI for this one week. Army paraphernalia was everywere, but in the spirit of outsourcing(and probably because anyone who can hold a weapon is already deployed), many of the employees working the Army booths were not soldiers themselves, but subcontractors. Essentially, the military equivalent of Red Bull Girls--handing out koozies and t-shirts and flashlights, with a few uniformed recruiters nearby in case the swag convinced someone to actually sign up. (For the record I have utmost respect for the men and women of the armed services. I do not however respect the decision makers who recklessly put these people in harm's way; nor do I care for the way they use rock-concert marketing tactics to convince the young to make "the ultimate sacrifice.")
Back to the beach:
If you are a hot chick, or better yet, TWO hot chicks, the poonhound mechanical bull operator will give you a long gentle ride, dipping the bull strategically as it turns to face him. (One rider experienced a "wardrobe malfunction" and was allowed to continue riding for what seemed to me like an impossibly long time. Meanwhile the bull operator, who was wearing both hat and sunglasses to obfuscate the direction of his gaze, pulled his shades down a tad for clearer viewing)

If, however, you are a beefy dude, you will get a spin or two before being expeditiously bucked off the bull.

I think the Coors Girls are a perfect example of why people come to SPI. Every few hours they announce the Coors Girls like they are the headlining act, then the girls come out and throw out a bunch of cheap Chinese crap emblazoned with the Coors logo.

The Beefy and the Beast: Nobody could quite figure out the hirsute fellow on the right. In his trucker cap, mustache, aviator shades and shiny black Speedo, he was quite a sight among all of the scantily clad students.

Bear Sighting on SPI! Big Poppa looked like he would fit in at a Bear round-up, but he was quite popular with the ladies, if only for the same reason that Leslie is popular with frat boys. The girls would freak Big Poppa while their friends took pictures for Facebook, then they would make an "Ew" face and run off.

Last Sunday afternoon we went to Uncle Billy’s on Barton Springs Rd. for their 1st anniversary party. Due to construction behind the brewery, we parked in their temporary lot down the road where they offer a convenient shuttle. Being driven by around Barton Springs Rd. by the hot valet type shuttle dude, I couldn’t help feeling as if I was somehow on an exotic tropical vacation in my own town. There were quite a few people at the party and there was a live band on the patio. In celebration of their anniversary, Uncle Billy’s was offering half-price appetizers and $3 pints of their house-brewed beers, crafted by Brian Peters. The featured beer on tap right now is an Agave Wit, which is a refreshing summer pour.

Oddly the celebration price of $3/pint is $1 more than the “pint night” price that they offer all day long every Tuesday.

We ordered several pints of beer and because of an unhealthy relationship that I have with chicken wings—I cannot, for the most part, abstain from ordering them—we ordered the Buffalo and BBQ wings, as well as a bowl of chips & queso with chopped brisket. The beer will always be the star for me at Uncle Billy’s, though the chicken wings were pretty good. I did have not such a problem with the queso, though Tipsy was certain that it didn’t taste like cheese at all (our waitress opined that the ‘famous’ macaroni & cheese wasn’t very good, perhaps they have a problem with cheese dishes?). I did not order BBQ at Uncle Billy’s because the first time we ate there it was pretty much the pits, and I don’t mean the kind where you smoke meats. I have thought about giving the menu another chance, but have heard mixed reviews about the place. One thing I will say in their favor (besides that the beer rocks) is that they must be listening to customer opinion, because they now offer both BBQ plates and sandwiches, whereas when we went at first it was all family style, which struck me as very odd at the time.

A few weeks ago we went out to Real Ale Brewing Co’s 12th anniversary party. Real Ale is located just outside Blanco, which is about an hour outside Austin. Needless to say they have had a few years of practice at throwing birthday parties. I hope with proper tutelage Uncle Billy’s will learn to throw a Real Ale-like birthday bash. Upon arrival, visitors are gifted with 4 beer tickets redeemable for free pints, as well as a food ticket good for a plate of BBQ. Brewery tours started periodically throughout the day. After the party, we drove into Blanco and jumped in the river at the Blanco River State Park. The river was the approximate temperature of spit but it was refreshing nonetheless.

To summarize, here is a statistical comparison of Real Ale party v. that at Uncle Billy’s:
(4) Free pints of fresh Real Ale v. $3 pints of Uncle Billy’s
(1) Free plate of BBQ v. Half-price appetizers (possibly fake queso acc. to Tipsy)
1-hour Hill Country drive v. free shuttle driven by hot valet
Brewery tour v. no brewery tour
iPod v. live music
Spitty Blanco River v. Crisp, cool Barton Springs

A careful evaluation of these two birthday bashes reveals that there are benefits and drawbacks to each event. Both of course offer great beer, with Real Ale being my favorite of the two. Where Real Ale offers value and scenery, Uncle Billy’s delivers convenience and hot valets. My conclusion is that in order to maximize your beer celebration experience, the best option is to attend both parties. And any other beer event you can get your pint glass on.

Tipsy and Jenna bask in the sanguine glow of Pangea's cocktail tables.

On Monday night we went to Pangea, a bar downtown known more for bottle service than for cocktails, to observe the Drambuie cocktail contest. Although I did not show up with the intention of judging the contest, I was selected to replace a gentleman who said he'd rather watch than participate. So I eagerly took my seat at the judge's table.

The contestants were:
Justin Stidham of Pangea with the "Mint McCloud"--muddled lemon, Drambue, Bacardi O, and a splash of 7. He would have done better without the coconut rum or the 7 Up

Lesliann of Lanai with the "Drambuie Dessert"--Baily's Irish Cream, Kahlua, Amaretto Disaronno, with muddled strawberries and strawberry puree; served in a glass rimmed with chocolate sauce and graham crackers. This is the type of drink that I think should be forbidden from contests such as this, not because it doesn't have its place somewhere (I'm not sure where that is) but because you can't judge it next to a real cocktail. It tastes like strawberries and creamy sugary stuff, not like spirits. And it bruises your palate for all of the following cocktails...except the next one, which was almost identical:

Robin Martinez of Prague (I think) with "Honey Chocolate Cream Martini"--when Wes Marshall heard the name of this drink he said, "So it's going to be a dry one, right?" to which the contestant responded with befuddled look. Bailey's, Amaretto, Drambuie, Cream, with a garnish of orange chocolate shavings and an orange chocolate wedge. All of my comments about the previous drink apply to this one.

Joe Castillo with "Piña Limón"-- Drambuie, lemon juice, pineapple juice and Topo Chico. This actually wasn't a bad effort, he just went overboard on the pineapple juice and that's all you could taste.

George's glasses, garnished and ready for the Rambooty". *A note about the "glasses" at Pangea: they were plastic.

George Gutierrez of Pangea, with "Mexican Rambooty"--The puritanical prude in me wishes that the contest rules would proscribe cocktail names that invoke or imply sex or sexual anatomy, because it is tacky and takes away from the professionalism of the event; not to mention the fact that these drinks are usually not very good. George rimmed (he said rimmed!) his glasses with kosher salt and celery salt. He made a mexican martini with Herradura silver, Drambuie, and lime juice, and then jacked it up sweet & sour off the gun, n/a triple sec, rose's lime juice, olive juice, and orange juice. I think he would have been better off if he'd stopped at the first three ingredients instead of going for the kitchen sink margarita that I have described in past posts. Garnished rather elaborately with strips of jalapeño and lime. Despite the adulterative ingredients, I thought this drink deserved a bronze finish for this contest.

Ben is a classicist behind the bar--quick and to-the-point

Ben Craven of Starlite, with the Lorelei--muddled Granny Smith apple, Plymouth gin, Drambuie, calvados, agave nectar. This cocktail was gorgeous, subtle, balanced and delicious. It should have won first place. (it didn't)

Mindy rinsing champagne flutes with Canton ginger liqueur

Mindy Kucan of the Hilton, with "Ginger & Dram"--a glass rinsed with Canton ginger liqueur; muddle candied ginger, add Tito's vodka, orange flower water, Drambuie. I had this drink picked for second place. The idea was right, it just tasted a little off-balance and medicinal/floral, I think because of the orange flower water. Mindy is good at giving cocktails multiple layers and this one had that, but I just felt the balance was off. I was still tasting it 20 min. later, which is a bit more "lingering finish" than I was looking for. A solid effort nonetheless.

And the winners were:
1st Place Mindy Kucan (mazel tov, Mindy!)
2nd Place George Gutierrez (lay off the Rose's and the Sweet & Sour, bro!)
3rd Ben Craven (Sorry, Ben. You really had a winner with the Lorelei. I know it can be hard to take third place again, but just think happy thoughts about how nobody wanted to buy Van Gogh's shit while he was alive, or how Mozart died a poor man and was burried in a pauper's cemetery. Does that cheer you up at all?)

Winners from left to right: George, Mindy, Ben

Tonight I am in the Big Bend area of West Texas. If you have not ever had the pleasure of visiting I highly recommend it. I have been out here many times and the scenery never ceases to amaze me, like an alien landscape just a few (okay, 7) hours west of Austin. I am at the Gage Hotel in Marathon. I have stayed here several times and had my heart set on staying here tonight, though it was a bit silly since I left Austin so late this afternoon. I was on my way to Marfa for a photo shoot that will take place tomorrow at the Cibolo Creek Ranch. Marfa is of course the playground for well-to-do NY types, and well-to-do Austin types. And aspiring well-to-do types. And schmucks like me.

Have Gin, Will Travel--an in-room cocktail prepared by yours truly

Rebecca Rather, the Pastry Queen of Fredericksburg's Rather Sweet Bakery fame, is
the one hosting the photo shoot, for her new book Pastry Queen Parties. Tipsy and I have had the honor of creating many of the cocktails for the book.

The sun started setting as I pulled on to the highway outside of Junction. I had the fortune of finding a driver with a speed comfort zone in the high 90's. While my car is more than capable of handling such velocity, my pocketbook is not welcoming to the fine that would accommodate such a pulling-over by a member of the law enforcement community. My usual tactic is to wait for a faster driver who has a radar detector (or doesn't give a f%ck), and follow that person. Today was my lucky day. I/We made it to Ft. Stockton in good time. If you are not familiar with the scale of this part of Texas, it is staggering. You can be inside Big Bend National Park and see signs pointing to other parts of the park that are 100+ miles away. If you are in Lajitas, the nearest supermarket is in Alpine, which is 2 1/2 hours away.

Throughout this drive I had my mind on a cocktail at the White Buffalo, the Gage's bar. The Gage was built in the 1920's, though it has as much of an 'old west' feel as any place I've been (except that I guess it is new-old west, since there are bottles of spring water in the rooms and a fitness facility across the way). Regardless, I love this place. The White Buffalo features the taxidermied bust of a white buffalo and touts the "finest margaritas in Texas." Except tonight I rolled in to town just as the bar was shutting down, and so I didn't get to have one of those fabulous margaritas. Instead, I took matters into my own hands. Since I was on the way to a cocktail photo shoot, I was more prepared than the average west Texas traveler. After checking into my room, I requisitioned the necessary supplies from the back of the Volkswagen, and proceeded to make the first of several martinis.

To be continued

Mike Rypka has done it again: at his renowned Trailer Park eatery on S. 1st St, he has debuted a fabulous brunch menu which we recently partook of in its entirety.

The Trailer Park concept started with Torchy's Tacos a couple of years ago in an empty lot a block or so up 1st St. Though they have hit a few snags along the way, it appears that the concept is finally starting to bear fruit. After moving the Torchy's trailer here, Rypka opened Shuggies last fall as a burgers & seafood stand. Once the cold weather came they shut down Shuggies to reopen this spring. A few weeks later, brunch.

If a picture could speak a thousand bites, it would be of these grits. Garnished with bacon and cheese and spiked with enough butter to clog a pound cake, the shrimp & grits are the star attraction.

Because Shuggies is in a trailer, they are unable to serve alcohol, so we generously brought our own. Amazingly none of those photos survived. What we did is take two bottles of sparkling wine and mix in a picture with black currant juice and mint syrup. And then we drank it.

The menu consists of
Fried Chicken & Waffle
Pecan-crusted French Toast
Doughnut Holes
"Elvis Cristo"--battered & fried peanut butter & banana sandwich
Shrimp & Grits
Migas
(all are pictured here except the migas)

The donuts were nice and light (as far as donuts go). In my ideal brunch fantasy, I would have had these as an appetizer with my coffee, while I waited for everything else

I felt that the french toast was the only item on the menu that was not a real winner. When we make french toast at Tipsy Manor we soak the bread in the batter til it soaks it up thoroughly and the end result is moist and custard-like on the inside. This toast was pretty dry.

The Elvis Cristo: cornflake-crusted, fried peanut butter & banana sandwich

I had the pleasure of tasting an early prototype of this sandwich a few weeks earlier and chef sampled it to us with a strawberry compote as a topping. When we came for brunch, we just got syrup. The syrup is not a bad accompaniment, but it is kind of repetitive when you've already had syrup with the french toast and the waffle.

Chef Mike with Jenna of Edible Austin. Mike said his girlfriend might get mad if I took this picture. Attn Mike's Girlfriend: Please note that both hands are on the table and that I made him pose for this picture. Thank you.

On Monday I will be taking off for Nicaragua on a bartender's adventure (understatement of the year!) sponsored by Flor de Caña rum. I have known since September that I would be going on this trip at some point, but the reality of it is finally setting in. A few days ago I received a preview itinerary with a list of the colleagues with whom I will be traveling. All I can say is WTF?? The list includes some serious notables, which makes me feel like a serious schmuck by comparison. But I am very excited, and very humbled, to be able to spend some time with people who are at such an elevated place in the industry, and I'm looking forward to learning everything I can from them, or in the absence of learning, drinking my weight in Flor de Caña.

In preparation for the adventure, I have decided to do a little interWeb research about my travel companions.
Representing the West Coast we have Pablo Moix. Pablo hails from Queens, NY (which means that basically everybody on this list is a New Yorker except me, and perhaps the other guy from Texas) and has worked in the industry since a young age. His professional tutelage was under that of noted mixologian Ryan Magarian. Pablo is now the mixologist for the One Group, based in Los Angeles but developing successful properties all over the country. There is a good profile of him at Liquid Muse.

This is Pablo's bio pic from the Tales of the Cocktail Web site. I wonder if he will look this suave and sophisticated after a few days in the wilds of Nicaragua.

Brian Miller tends bar at New York's Death and Co. According to one interview, he believes that a good cocktail is a right, not a privilege. I couldn't agree with him more, though I live in a city where I am only able to exercise my rights in a couple of venues. Of all the arguments I have made about cocktails, I have never started from a Inalienable Rights of Man point of view, but perhaps I should.

I found this picture of Brian online. He looks very intense. I like it.

Eben Freeman is a noted cocktail consultant and bar man at New York's Tailor. I attended a seminar at Tales of the Cocktail last year in which Eben participated, the highlights can be found here.

Eben looks like one happy-shaking mofo in this picture.

Phil Ward once worked with Brian at Death & Co but has recently started his own temple to agave spirits, Mayaheul.

I couldn't find a picture of Phil online but his bar looks sexy. This pic from New York Magazine online.

Dimitrios Zahariadis is from Connecticut and grew up working in his parents' restaurants. He has also worked in New York at Tao. He is as far as I can tell the only traveler on the crew who has his own logo.

Robert Krueger runs the bar at Employees Only. You can see him in action at a recent cocktail event here.

Greg Seider runs the bar at Minetta Tavern. He seems to be the most under-the-radar of the travel companions, as I can't really find anything about him online, though he works at a high profile venue. I look forward to meeting him.

Last but not least there are the two dudes from Texas. A guy from Houston named Matt Tanner, I have no idea who he is. Then there is me.

On our first full day in Nicaragua our primary objective was to travel to the rum distillery, though I think a secondary objective was to regale ourselves with tales of the previous night's exploits at the Diamond Club, the strip club across the street from the hotel. The drinking began early on the bus this morning, as the revelers sought either a hair-of-the-dog that bit them the night before, or for some particularly athletic crew members, a continuation of the buzz that hadn't yet rested from the day before.

Some of the boys wanted to smoke upon our arrival, but were greeted by members of the Flor de Caña fire department with friendly reminders of what happens when you smoke around a column still, as anyone who is familiar with the Dripping Springs Vodka saga can attest to.

We arrived at the distillery and were treated to a brief presentation on rum production before beginning our tour of the facility.

Planta de Destelación reads the sign above the door. This building houses the column stills that produce Flor de Caña 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

The barrels are dated and stored in giant warehouses. The buckets of water at the bottom of the frame supposedly help maintain proper humidity in the room; I personally didn't sense any lack of humidity on this steam bath of a day.

Though the 18yr is the oldest rum that they take to market, they have stores of other rums that have aged longer. This particular barrel has been aging 20 years. Mauricio, left, is one of the managers of the brand in Central and South America, and one of the hosts of our tour. They are using a hand pump to draw unfiltered, cask-strength rum out of the barrel for us to taste.

Brian came prepared with his own flask, for the only 20yr rum that would leave the distillery. This image of Brian Miller two-fisting drinks is one that would not be uncommon for the rest of the trip, though on occasion (beginning the first night when his glass was misplaced at the Diamond Club) he would forgo the glass and go straight for the bottle.

Mauricio explains how the Flor de Caña facility utilizes green energy, and produces ethanol from its own sugar cane. I don't even understand how a AA battery works so I will not pretend to explain the complexities of the green energy program at this distillery, though it sounded pretty convincing at the time.

Inside the storage warehouse with mountains of Flor de Caña cases, packed differently depending on receiving market. With bartender for scale.

Employee Parking Lot, Nicaragua-style

The entire crew of the trip, from left to right: (standing) Brian Miller, Eben Freeman, Greg Seider, Dimitrios Zahariadis, Pablo Moix (seated) KK Lewis, Rob Krueger, Phil Ward, Martha Lizarazo, Mauricio Solorzano, Master Distiller's son whose name I can't recall, Me, Samuel Fitch, Matt Tanner. Not pictured: James Bruton (he was holding the cameras)

On the second morning we departed Managua for the beach town of San Juan del Sur. I would learn that day that an attempt earlier in the morning by one of our travel companions to bring back some of the crew of the Diamond Club to the Intercontinental for a pool party was met with a cold response from hotel security.

While my companions were frolicking with strippers (or attempting to, at any rate) by the pool, the day started off brutally for me at about 4am, when I woke up with the convulsive pains of "Montezuma's Revenge". Fortunately I had a few hours to try to get it out of my system before hopping on the bus. A few Pepto Cocktails throughout the day sustained me at a relatively reasonable level.

The rum started flowing very early on the bus. I think it is safe to say that dozens of cocktails were consumed before the noon hour.

We stopped off at a road-side produce stand to pick up some fresh fruit for the cocktail expo that was to take place that evening at the hotel bar.

(L-R) Phil Ward, Brian Miller, Miss Pamela

A few years ago the Flor de Caña company started an initiative to create an official drink of Nicaragua, in the way that the Caipirinha symbolizes Brazil. They came up with the Macuá, and they've done a good job at spreading the word about the drink. Even Finest Call has a Macuá mix that I saw on store shelves and behind bars. Eben Freeman was interested in pursuing other local flavors that would create a "sense of place" in a Nicaragua cocktail. In addition to the produce stand he perused the nearby mini-mart looking for local juices and sodas.

Ironically, the motto of Finest Call is "Add a splash of fruit with Finest Call" It seems like the most obvious way to add a splash of fruit would be to actually add a splash of fruit.

On the highway outside of Managua we pulled into a national natural area to visit the Volcan Mombacho, one of the only active volcanos in the world that you can drive up to the edge of and look into. This is good, because given my condition there is no way I was going to climb that bitch.

The homeys enjoying the view from the volcano

The road to San Juan del Sur seemed interminable, despite traveling in good company with copious libations. There was one stop after another--for volcanos or mangos, hammocks and potties, it seemed like we were never going to get to the beach. We finally arrived late afternoon and had a little lunch at the beautiful cafe. The Piedras y Olas resort is pretty much breathtaking. The restaurant overlooks the pool, which overlooks the Pacific Ocean. The little protected harbor of San Juan del Sur is something out of a postcard, at least it is right now before all the honkeys show up.

We retired to our rooms for a spell before reconvening back at the restaurant where there was to be a cocktail exposition behind the bar. I took a nap and woke up to a spectacular sunset, and feeling much better about myself, and about Montezuma.

Down in the bar the crew began shaking cocktails for a special presentation for the mayor of San Juan del Sur.

Eben is working on a cocktail featuring the flavors of Nicaragua. Here he is playing with a local cola.

In the absence of a bona fide muddler, Phil Ward used the agitator from the VitaMix blender.

Eben let us in on a little secret he was working on: the powdered substance is dehydrated rum, which he intended to use with Coca Cola pop rocks for a dehydrated Rum & Coke

After the bartending demo we went down to the beach where we ate fresh seafood at a restaurant that was just yards away from the water's edge.

One of the people at the restaurant was walking around with a little baby tiger. The star of the food show was a fish "carpaccio" with jalapeño and parmesan.

When the host saw that the tour was a complete sausagefest, he asked that a couple of the company spokesmodels come along to achieve gender balance. The girl on the left we called Text because she spent a lot of time sending text messages; the girl on the right was super charming and a hell of a dancer, I think her name was Maylene. She brought a lot of cheer to the trip. In this picture she is dancing on the table before the nightclub owner asked her to step down--he must have been smoking something because she was putting on a hell of a performance.

Holistar, I guess, is the third-world equivalent of Hollister

After searching since October of last year, a new Tipsy Manor has been located and purchased. 78741 is the new 78704! The migration has begun, starting with 30+ cases of liquor - craziness.

Cocktail genius, or just all-around-genius, Bobby Heugel will be making a guest shaking appearance at Annie's on Congress tonight from 10:00 p.m. to 2:00 a.m. Bobby and his band of merry men are the proprietors of Anvil Bar and Refuge in Houston. They are fanatics with attention to detail, quality and history.

The special menu of original and favorite classic cocktails that we will be serving tonight at Annie's, 319 Congress.